October 2023

A month of highs and lows…

The 1st of October is my Nephew's Birthday and it is also the anniversary of my Mum's death. We lost her in 2005 and she is still very much missed. I am always filled with conflicting emotions as we combine celebration for my Nephew with honouring the memory of my Mum.

This year I was really looking forward to spending time with my family as I was doing very little in the way of social activities due to my ongoing treatment plan and being careful because of my lowered immunity. Unfortunately I was unable to see my family as my Nephew got Covid. This hit me quite hard and I felt very sorry for myself. It felt like a personal blow for me and another huge realisation of how vulnerable I was and how my cancer treatment was so isolating. I was missing out on lots of social events and my month seemed to be taken up with hospital visits and not really much else.

I had my usual visit to the hospital for blood tests 2 days before my chemotherapy infusions, and had an Echocardiogram to check my heart health throughout my treatment. After my surgery I had a build up of fluid - a seroma, and at one of my appointments it was decided that draining the fluid was the best option. This was quite a process and required lots of bravery on my part. It wasn’t a pleasant experience, but it was much needed as they actually drained 500ml of fluid out! This was important as I was due to start my radiotherapy within a few weeks.

Preparing for radiotherapy seemed like endless trips to the hospital. You need to have what I call a 'set up' appointment where they very carefully set up exactly how they will administer the radiotherapy sessions - they call them fractions. You are told what will actually happen, measured up and the machines are set up to make sure that they target only the specified area. It is very clever and very intense. I was also told to practice holding my breath for 20 seconds which apparently moves your heart and lungs out of the way for safety. 

Was very grateful for my woodland walks!

For me, however, this 'set up'  was proving very difficult. After the ‘drainage’ the fluid came back again almost instantly, and because of this I kept getting sent away and asked to come back as they wanted to do the 'measuring up' when the swelling had gone down to be certain of accuracy. I was told that the fluid build up was just my body protecting me as filling a void with fluid is what the body does. I was advised not to have it drained again as there was a risk of infection.

I would need to be patient and just wait until my body dealt with it naturally.

While I was practicing my patience, the Radiotherapy team were constantly sending me treatment schedules in the hope that they could get started but we kept having to change them as the swelling was not going away. It was all very frustrating for me, and for them, but it was decided that we would go ahead with the Radiotherapy and not wait for the swelling to go down. Eventually we all agreed to start the Radiotherapy at the beginning of November. Little did I know that this would result in actually toughening the skin around the seroma and maybe causing it to stay even longer - something that apparently can happen but the risks were weighed up by my medical team and it was agreed by them all to be the best option.

I was relieved to finally have a date set to start but also a little worried in case the swelling ‘did’ go down as that would mean I would have to have the ‘set up’ appointments repeated and start all over again. Fortunately it didn't and the schedule went ahead as planned. 

I was really feeling the loneliness of my situation and almost only ever going out for my woodland doggie walks which I was very grateful for. They were much needed for my physical and mental wellbeing. I had another doorstep delivery from my sister who got me a lovely new hat to keep my head warm on these walks - it made such a difference due to my lack of hair. I also had a delivery of a new set of straighteners from my niece that were specifically for short hair. I was so grateful to get these thoughtful gifts but sad that I could not spend some time with my family to receive them properly, but being protected from the family coughs and colds that were going around was so important while going through my treatment, but it did make me feel sad and very lonely,

I had a very special moment to celebrate during this month - the first time I used a hairdryer on my hair. It was growing back well and I loved using a hairdryer on it. It had felt like such a long time since I had done that and I experimented with the new straighteners that my niece had got me. I had such a lot of new ways of doing things to get used to. 

The hair was growing back on my legs too so I attempted to shave them. That was such a scary thing to do as my skin was still very dry and sore. I didn't do that very well and gave up before I finished. 

I was grateful for the online community I belonged to as Zoom meetings were a treat for me in my isolation. I was so grateful that I had learned so much technology during Covid times and very grateful that I was still able to do Podcasts and have conversations about important topics during this time. I had really embraced using my very small social media platform to share what I was experiencing. It did me so much good to express my emotions in this way and I know it helped others as I got some very touching messages from people saying thank you for what I had been sharing and telling me how it had helped them hearing what I had to say. This was very strange to me as I had initially felt that I didn't want to share my cancer diagnosis and all that came with it but I was encouraged by so many people to talk about it openly and I had a place to share, so it seemed to be the right thing to do. The very act of writing this blog two years down the line proves how beneficial I feel it is and my 'sharing'  has developed further as I now embrace volunteering opportunities so that I can give back from my experience. This is very important to me and gives me so much back in return.

My new hat from my sister!

I'm not really sure if I have any words of wisdom or advice from this month. What I can say though is that, even though I was feeling very down with the isolation and fatigue of my ongoing treatment, the Universe provided me with a different way to look at things, a different way to do things and some very thoughtful people in my life that are always looking after me.

For that I am truly grateful and feel very loved and cared for.

It's a reminder of the balancing act between giving and receiving and a chance to really feel the way that life may leave you feeling down sometimes but there is always going to be a time for uplifting feelings too. 

Again my coping strategies and stress reducing techniques have been put to good use and tested to the limits but I am so glad I was able to lean into them when I needed to. This is why I am so keen to share all that I have learnt.

~

If you’d like to learn more about how I can help you, please visit my website and YouTube channel. There, I share more about my cancer journey and how my experiences have fuelled my passion for supporting others through similar challenges.

Please feel free to contact me directly if you have any questions or simply need a listening ear.

Here are details to my YouTube channel: www.youtube.com/@CalmerSelfCoach

Website: www.calmerself.co.uk

Text: 07856 169 186

Email: nadine@calmerself.co.uk