September 2023

A mix of emotions throughout this month - Guidewires, Surgery and a welcoming Gelato!

September 2023 was a very busy month and it started with my first breast surgery on the 1st.

Arrival day at the hospital!

It was an early start to the day as I had to go to a different hospital than the one where I was having my surgery to get the guidewires fitted to direct so that the surgeon knew the proximity of where to operate within my breast. Even though I had my directions to the hospital and where to go in it, and knew when we had to leave, I was still so nervous about getting there in time and actually finding where I actually needed to be.

I was also very concerned about the actual fitting of the wires, and then being driven approx 30mins to the hospital where I was to have the surgery. I had no idea how it would all work out and was very confused and worried.

Rush hour traffic was horrendous but we just got to the first hospital in time and I managed to find out where I needed to be and began to practice my relaxation techniques while I sat in the waiting room. I didn't get the chance to relax as a lady came to talk to me to tell me that after the guidewires were fitted, I had to go to a different department to have a blue dye put in around my lymph nodes to direct the surgeon to that specific part. I wasn't expecting that and worried about getting all the way to the other side of the hospital for this procedure and getting back out to the car in time to get over to the other hospital and not be late for surgery which was scheduled for 12 noon.

I was called in quite quickly to where the guidewires were to be put in and greeted by a very jolly man who showed me on a screen what he was exactly going to do and how much of a challenge it would be. He said he would be very pleased with himself if he got it right the first time??? Oh my goodness!!! I was getting more and more terrified with everything he said. After the 'first go' I was to have a scan to see if he had got it right and if not we would have to take those wires out and start again. 

I needed all my stress reducing tips, and put them into practice while he worked away with a running commentary that I wasn't listening to. Went for the scan with these wires sticking up under my chin and to my great relief, with delight all round, I heard him say......."Great! I did it!" I was so pleased we didn't have to do it all again not only because I didn't think I could cope if he had to take these 3 wires out and put more in but also because I was still worrying about time.

Luckily the ends of the wires were clipped and plasters put over them and I could finally be a little more confident that I would be okay travelling like this.

I still had the other department to find and have the blue dye put in, but that seemed like a breeze after what I had just been through.

Finally I was done and ready to find where the car had been parked and get driven over to the hospital and prepare for my surgery. I was exhausted and, strangely enough, found myself looking forward to the time when I could actually rest a little during surgery. I was so frightened of the anaesthetic - I was a bit surprised by this thought but I don't think I was in my right mind by this time. Thank heavens I was being driven and I tried really hard to give myself up to the process and trust that other people were looking after me and it would all work out alright in the end. 

I arrived at the hospital for surgery just in time and was shown to a room, given surgical stockings, a gown and socks and told to get changed and wait for the nurse and the surgeon to come. 

I muddled my way through getting the gown on with the ties at the back and did quite a good job of getting the surgical socks on by myself. The socks confused me but I was told that I was to wear them to walk down to the operating theatre. I was going to walk??? That seemed odd but I questioned it and was told that if we could walk, it was better if we did for our circulation and our mindset. After a brief meeting with the anaesthesist who was very nice and helped me ease my fears, my surgeon and breast cancer specialist nurse arrived to draw all over me, get forms signed and tell me again exactly what was going to happen. I didn't take any of it in but I had managed to let go of  a bit of control and just let the experts do what they did best. All I could do was keep focussed, thinking ahead on when this would be over… so I could just rest… or so I hoped.

Before I knew it the time had come to walk down to the theatre. There seemed to be a lot of medical staff with me, but when I got to my destination I saw my surgeon all gowned up and ready to go and felt slightly less nervous. As I laid on the operating table the beaming smile of the anaesthetist was right in my face and he was telling me what he was doing as I felt a coldness in my arm, and told me to count backwards……

I didn’t remember anything from that moment until I was being wheeled into a lift! It was all over and I was going to a ward to rest. I didn't remember being gently coached back to consciousness, or given sips of water, or even the long conversation I had with my surgeon as he told me everything went well and that I could rest and relax now. I do remember slowly feeling more awake and joining in the conversation with the lovely nurses and desperately wanting a cup of tea.

As I gradually started to feel less sick I began to feel an enormous sense of joy. 

I had survived the surgery and I was actually feeling okay!

This elation just grew and grew as the evening went on. It was such a sense of relief to have actually got through the day that had seemed so difficult at the start and now be laying in a lovely bed looking forward to just resting. I was feeling no pain and didn't even think about the surgery I had just had. I didn't want to look or feel it. I was just enjoying the fact that I was alive, sounds dramatic I know, but I am never confident that I will come out of an anaesthetic so the relief of that was uppermost in my mind. I settled down to watching some TV, have something to eat and have lots to drink. My throat was very sore.

I must have dozed off a bit and on my first solo trip to the toilet I felt some moisture where I had had my surgery. I thought it might just be a little bit of sweat as I was very hot but I took a look in the bathroom mirror and to my horror I saw lots of blood. I called the nurse who told me it was quite common with this kind of surgery. She redressed it and told me that there was just a tiny section that was bleeding and that it would soon knit together. 

I tried to settle down again but I was feeling like I wanted to move around. I found a Bon Jovi concert on the television and found myself having a little jig around and a sing along to 'It's My Life'. This proved to touch on my emotions as it seemed to be so right for what I was feeling. I think I was so overjoyed at getting through the day and was looking forward to getting on with my life. I allowed myself to really enjoy this feeling. Sleep was not happening at all tonight.

The day after surgery, my sister and niece visited me at home, bringing with them a lovely gelato for me to enjoy, and enjoy I did!

I was to go home the next day after a check up from my breast cancer specialist nurse who told me how I needed to look after myself and not to move too much as I was still bleeding a bit. (I didn't tell her about my dancing the night before.)

My niece and sister visited a s soon as I got home with some lovely Gelato (ice cream was still the only thing that tasted right so that was very welcome.) 

A good friend who had been through breast cancer too came to see me bringing a wonderful jelly so I felt very loved and well cared for. I had my beautiful heart shaped cushion that my breast cancer nurse had made for me to use for comfort post-surgery. I took all my painkillers regularly so felt quite comfortable... that is until I tried to go to bed and then felt so uncomfortable and very hot… I had a lot of adjusting to do to discover the best way to settle into my recovery.

After one week I was to see my surgeon. I was hoping to have a fresh dressing as I was very uncomfortable but was told that it was best left untouched so as not to start the bleeding again. I was very disappointed and had to carry on feeling dirty and uncomfortable but, luckily, feeling no pain thanks to the painkillers.

I only had to wait another week until I went back to see my surgeon and get the results of the Pathology Report. This was to find out if the surgery had been successful, (there was a possibility that I would need more surgery if it hadn’t have been!) Everything they take out is tested so they can be sure of what they have actually been dealing with. My surgeon explained that this is the real point of diagnosis. I was very nervous for this appointment but so relieved when I was told that they had got everything out and that I wouldn't need any more surgery. What was very strange was how my emotions changed on hearing this great news. I became very angry and felt almost as if I hadn’t needed the chemotherapy and surgery that had just, potentially, saved my life. Not being one to hold back, I shared how I felt with my surgeon in quite an ungrateful way but he was very understanding telling me that it was an understandable reaction and mostly because of feeling relief at the good news. Still to this day I am confused as to why that fabulous news made me feel that way.

The other great thing about this day was that I got to have my dressing changed as the tiny part that hasn't bonded was beginning to heal. The drive home with my very special friend was a total joy. We took a little detour to visit my Oncologist to share the celebration. It was a team effort after all and we had to get plans started for the Radiotherapy I was to have.

This was a hectic month as within a couple of days I was to have a Colonoscopy. This procedure was much less of a trauma than I had anticipated but the prep for it is a trial. I got through it though and was pleased to be told the results on the day. They had found some things they took away instantly and had sent some off for testing. In my mind I just thought if cancer cells can cause problems in one area of my body why not in other areas. I took it all in my stride which surprised me. Maybe it was a sign that I was letting go of my need to control everything and getting better at not stressing about things. I was to be closely monitored and was assured that, like my breast cancer, they had caught this at a very early stage and that was good.

During this time I seemed to be getting endless phone calls to arrange my Radiotherapy. The first appointment is what I call 'to be measured up' where they ascertain the exact placing of where they will direct the radiotherapy and mark your skin so they get each session right. This appointment didn't go to plan as I had developed a Seroma after surgery so they could not get the right 'measurements' until the swelling had gone down. This was very worrying and frustrating but I was assured that a Seroma is common especially after the amount of breast tissue that had been taken away. It was explained to me as  'your body wants to fill up the space we have made and it fills it up with fluid'.

I was also scheduled to have my next chemotherapy infusion with the addition of Zoledronic Acid and to attend a different hospital for this due to a Doctors strike. Again, so many differences to get my head around but, again, everyone was so kind and understanding. The appointment went well although there were huge delays due to the hospital having to deal with the extra load.

I was relieved to have got through the different place and type of infusions but as I tried to relax that evening I started to feel very ill with a high temperature. When you have cancer treatment you are given an emergency number to call if you feel ill at home but I hadn't had to use it and was reluctant to bother anyone now. I just felt worse and worse and got more and more worried so I did phone the number, several times during that worrying night as my temperature stayed very high and I felt so rotten. This was very frightening but I got through with the advice and assurance of the very patient nurse at the end of the phone who looked after me. 

My last traumatic event for the month of September was to discover that my nipple on my other breast was bleeding. I only had one left nipple left due to the surgery so this was very worrying to me and my mind immediately went to the place of thinking I had cancer in this breast now!

As always, when I raised my concerns I was dealt with patiently and efficiently. I had another scan and mammogram which confirmed that there was 'nothing sinister' here so I was told not to worry. In talks with my surgeon about it he suggested that maybe the bleeding was due to my left breast, being so much bigger than the one the one that had just had surgery. had been rubbed a bit in the compression bra and that had caused the bleeding. That made sense to me. It was very difficult being so uneven and having to have compression on the breast after surgery and that not affecting the one that was still so large. It was difficult to manage but I was so relieved to have an explanation for this.

I ended the month in total exhaustion with so much more of my treatment plan still to go and having overcome some very real worrying events. 

If I could give you any words of wisdom from this hectic month I think it would be to rest and relax whenever you get the chance. You never know what's round the corner. Trust the professionals. Ask for help, and don't forget to celebrate your wins however small or silly they may seem. Recognising and celebrating every little win builds confidence that you need for your future.

Again my coping strategies and stress reducing techniques have been put to good use and tested to the limits but I am so glad I was able to lean into them when I needed to.

~

If you’d like to learn more about how I can help you, please visit my website and YouTube channel. There, I share more about my cancer journey and how my experiences have fuelled my passion for supporting others through similar challenges.

Please feel free to contact me directly if you have any questions or simply need a listening ear.

Here are details to my YouTube channel: www.youtube.com/@CalmerSelfCoach

Website: www.calmerself.co.uk

Text: 07856 169186

Email: nadine@calmerself.co.uk