August 2023

August 2023 - Dealing with emotions when curveballs come along, plus new fears and new concerns unlocked!

Some friends from London visited!

To begin the month of August I had a delightful visit from some old friends from London. 

It really cheered me up because I had been so worried about my lowered immunity and not really feeling well enough for visitors, I had become quite isolated but, Covid tests done and understanding that I might get tired at any moment my kind friends arrived and we had a lovely catch up.

I was being visited regularly by my very caring and loving friend, having a few special occasions with family and religiously attending my self care appointments for Acupuncture and my foot care but, apart from that, being sociable seemed like a distant memory.  

I did enjoy another little outing which was to attend a Look Good Feel Better skincare and Make Up Workshop. This is a charity event where you get to learn all about skincare and makeup. I was very nervous about going but really enjoyed the whole experience. It really did make me look and feel better. I loved it so much that I vowed that when I felt better I would become a volunteer myself..... and I did. 

On the 3rd of August I had a dentist appointment to have 2 fillings done. This was necessary before I was to have Zoledronic Acid infusions added to my chemo cocktail. For this you have to have a dentist's assurance that your teeth are okay as you are not able to have any work done while you are having these infusions. 

It all seemed very serious but it was part of how well you are looked after while going through cancer treatment. My wonderful dentist has looked after my teeth so well. I had never needed any treatment before but it is apparently quite common for teeth to suffer a little from the side effects of treatment - mostly due to your mouth becoming very dry and, for me, very sore.

On the 4th of August I was informed that my surgery was to be on the 21st........ oh my goodness!!! 

I had been waiting for this date but when I was actually told it became very real... and I became very frightened. 

I practiced all my powers of relaxation and positive thinking to get my mind out of the worry I was feeling. I knew it would be  a good thing to get the cancer cut out of me but I was so scared of surgery..... and having  a general anaesthetic was always something that worried me.

Back in 2019 I had undergone knee surgery and I was feeling the same concerns but with the added weight that this was actually surgery for cancer and that it was going to be in a very personal place. For me the idea of Breast Surgery was so very different from surgery to my knee. The reality was kicking in about how disfiguring this would be and the questions kept going round in my head, 

"Would they be able to get it all out?"

"Would they find more than they expected?"

"How would I heal?"

"How much pain will I be in?"

"What would I look like after surgery?"

"Would I be able to cope with the emotions that came with it?"

I was told that I would lose a nipple and that there would be a lot of scarring. I had no idea how that would make me feel.

After the Look Good, Feel Better workshop!

In the second week of the month I was to begin my new type of infusions at a different hospital than my last rounds of chemotherapy so I needed to get blood tests done 2 days before the infusions. More trips to the hospital and a very different set of circumstances to get used to. 

I was lucky, I was still driven by my very special friend who looked after me so well. I was very nervous but the new team of experts in this chemotherapy ward were very kind and I felt well looked after by everyone.

The day after these new infusions I was enjoying the fact that I didn't feel quite so rotten. I was over the worst of the side effects from my treatment which was a little of a relief. I got a phone call from my lovely Specialist Breast Cancer Nurse to go through the details of my surgery. I was to go to a different hospital than the one where I would have the surgery first thing in the morning to have guide wires fitted and then to travel the half an hour drive away with these guide wires in place to where I was to actually have my surgery. I found this very difficult to get my head around and had no idea how I would actually manage to leave one hospital and travel to another with these wires in place. 

Another terrifying detail to dwell on. 

I was told it was quite a common practice to have this done in this way and was assured that there would be no problems with me travelling with these wires in place.

A week later, while I was still getting my head around  what was to come, I had another phone call from my Specialist Breast Cancer Nurse to tell me my surgery was cancelled.

My surgeon had a detached retina so obviously would not be able to perform my surgery.

This news sent me into a complete meltdown. I was getting myself psyched up and prepared and this news totally floored me. I felt guilty that I reacted so badly. After all, my poor surgeon was having to deal with something awful but all I could think of was myself and how this had shocked me into a complete and utter mess. I'm ashamed to say I was not very kind. I acted like a toddler with a tantrum and said I didn't  want to play anymore. I was taking this as some kind of sign from the Universe that surgery was not for me and although I was told that another surgeon would be found for me as soon as possible, I heard myself refusing surgery.

What on earth was I thinking!!!

I didn't care what a problem this was for everyone else, all I cared about was how I felt. Through my utter terror at what was to come and my trying to get prepared for the surgery I could only think about myself and how this had messed up my world. 

Ironically I was sent an appointment letter to attend the hospital on the day my surgery had been scheduled to meet a new surgeon that had been assigned to me. 

I was having none of that and refused to go. I didn't want to meet another surgeon. I had got to know the surgeon I was expecting to operate on me and I had put all my trust into her. I had found that hard enough to do. I couldn't imagine how I was going to be able to trust someone else... and so soon. I was still sulking about the change of plan and all my fears seemed too big to overcome.

Well I did go to the appointment to meet my new surgeon. I pulled myself together and began to act like a grown up. 

I'm glad I did. Within 30mins of me talking to this new surgeon he had my total trust and gave me confidence that he was the man for the job. I don't know how he'd done it in such a short space of time (it was not just me that he had taken on) but he had become familiar with my treatment so far and the exact surgery he was to perform and even addressed some extra issues that I was concerned about. I was amazed at how considerate he was and impressed by his compassion and expertise. I came away from that meeting knowing he was the man for me and that he was going to do a brilliant job. I was feeling truly blessed. 

I was glad that my new surgeon had made me feel so confident as within a couple of days I had a new date for surgery..... it was now to be on the 1st Sept. So quick that I had little time for the worries to come back. Of course they did, but I only had to phone one of my team to be reminded that I was in good hands and that all would be okay.

As the surgery date had come up so quickly my next round of chemotherapy had to be cancelled. This is normal apparently and would not affect the outcome of my whole treatment plan. 

Another delight I had to come was a Colonoscopy. As I said before the tests to discover what cancer I had and how far it had spread were very thorough. No area was being left untested so towards the end of August I attended an appointment to prepare me for the delight that is a Colonoscopy...... more anxiety to deal with but at least I have some coping strategies to work through anxiety and worry for which I am very grateful.

We ended the month with a Full Moon where I used my love of ritual to let go of some of my concerns as part of my preparation for my surgery.

I love that I have coping strategies to help me manage anxiety and worry and that I lean into what nature offers us. The energy around the Moon cycles can really help us if we choose to tune in.

My learning from this month that I would like to share with you all is.... Curveballs will always come. Learn to trust the Universe and let go of control a little. This will serve you well.

~

If you’d like to learn more about how I can help you, please visit my website and YouTube channel. There, I share more about my cancer journey and how my experiences have fuelled my passion for supporting others through similar challenges.

Please feel free to contact me directly if you have any questions or simply need a listening ear.

Here are details to my YouTube channel: www.youtube.com/@CalmerSelfCoach

Website: www.calmerself.co.uk

Text: 07856 169186

Email: nadine@calmerself.co.uk